In this last episode of “Master the Laws of Marriage”, we are presenting the very efficient Gottman’s method for conflict management. John Gottman is a renowned clinical psychologist and marriage researcher who did extensive work over four decades on marital stability. Gottman reveals that criticism, contempt, and defensiveness are ingredients for failure. Most couples’ disputes arise from solvable situational problems where there is no major underlying conflict.

Disputes are and will always be part of our life. We can have arguments with members of our family, with friends, with colleagues at work, and of course with our life partner. Time will keep testing the strength of our will and our degree of commitment in all aspects of our life. Marriage is just a part of the package and these tests will often come in the form of marital disputes. You must understand there is nothing wrong with being tested. In fact, facing adversity is another way to strengthen the bonds of marriage. Sailing through the hard times as a team is a way to tell each other you will always be supportive no matter what happens. With victories, comes confidence. Then your marriage becomes stronger and mightier and will always be ready to face any hurdle.  

Conflicts are difficult to handle because they test your capability to be in control of your emotions. Conquer them and they will fulfill you. Submit to them and they will destroy you. Gottman created a five-step method to solve this kind of issues. These steps are to be acknowledged and applied by both partners for maximum efficiency. Master this method and you will become this eternal tree with roots so deep that you laugh at all storms.

Step #1: NO CRITICISM – Do not start disputes with contempt or criticism. A soft start significantly decreases the damage power of the dispute.

Step #2: DE-ECALATE TENSIONS – Focus on attempting to repair the situation.

Step #3: TAKE A BREAK – Acknowledge you might not have total control of your emotions and there might be occurrences during a dispute where they will control of you. Identify these moments where you are overwhelmed and inform your partner you need a 20-minute break (that is the estimated time for nerves to come back to normal). During your break, don’t try to analyze what has been said so far; instead, focus on mastering the unnecessary dispute by understanding that both of you guys are only fighting your own egos. When you calm down, tell your partner something positive and comforting.

Step #4: COMPROMISE – When conflicts arise, have empathy for your partner. Understand she/he might still be the victim of her/his own fears and anxieties and that might be the only reason of the whole dispute. Gottman introduces an interesting exercise to help couples find compromise – each partner must draw a small circle within a bigger one. In the small circle, list all non-negotiable points. In the large circle, list what you can compromise on. Share them and discuss objectively common grounds.   

Step #5: ACCEPT YOUR PARTNER – According to Gottman, compromise can only be achieved if you accept your partner for what he is now. Throw away the usual ‘If only he/she was like…’. And remember compromising is not a sign of weakness, it is a proof of maturity because it shows you cannot be fooled by your ego so easily.

A friend’s own recipe: A friend of mine told me about a new dialogue method she practices with her husband. During couples fights, they take a break and each of them write 3 separate small notes where they briefly explain what they want and put them in a bowl. Then they draw the notes, read them one by one, and discuss how they can solve the existing points of conflict.

With my wife, we tried that method and guess what, it might look a bit simple and stupid, but it just works. The secret lies in the fact that we have a more down-to-earth conversation and we focus on the real issue (you cannot write an essay of non-sense in a brief note after all). This method helps to overcome the usual traps such as contempt or criticism, and you avoid getting heated that way. When you write your ‘complaint’ in a small note, you naturally make the right effort to properly identify what truly bothers you, and that helps your partner better understand you.